Thawing of the Heart
by The Watcher4
Summary: Hikaru has recovered professionally from the loss of Sai's Go - but the personal loss of his friend has yet to be mourned. Sometimes comfort can be gained from the most unlikely of places.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Thawing of the Heart  
Rating: T  
Pairing: slight Ogata/Hikaru

Summary: Hikaru has recovered professionally from the loss of Sai's Go - but the personal loss of his friend has yet to be mourned. Sometimes comfort can be gained from the most unlikely places.

Authors notes: This will be the first piece I have worked on in quite a while. I am sure it will have numerous mistakes. I do not have an entire encyclopedia of the Hikaru no Go timeline memorized, so I have tried to keep details about locations, events, dates and what-not somewhat vague. For my purposes I'm assuming that Shindou is somewhere around 16-17, and Ogata around 27-28. I have no idea if this is accurate. Some may consider some, if not all, of the characters to be behaving ooc. I have no response to this. I can see it in my head, therefore I write it. Comments warm the soul. Flames warm my fireplace.

Disclaimer: If I owned any of this, it wouldn't be published here, ne?

* * *

Ogata sighed as he exited the Go institute. He loved Go, it was true, but by god some of the formalities were tiring. This year he would definitely seize a title, but things were never that simple. All of the preliminaries had to be won, plus all the interviews and game analysis... it could be enough to drive one to distraction. Well, it was over with for today.

The 9-dan had intended to head directly to his car, when his attention was caught by movement across the street. A shorter figure was reclining on one of the benches bordering the nearby park - a very familiar figure. Ogata frowned. _Shindou_?

The young 1-dan was a source of troubling thoughts. The teenager had progressed incredibly rapidly, turning pro after a single year as an insei. His talent had been undeniable, his promise incredible. Ogata had been planning on watching him closely.

Then, without warning, he had virtually disappeared. He seemed to drop off the face of the earth, losing several matched by default, all but destroying his chances of advancing at all. No one knew what had caused the withdrawal, as Shindou refused to discuss it with anyone. Lately, it seemed that he had recovered from whatever had caused his retreat. He had returned to the institute, and his records again began showing wins. Unfortunately, records were the only thing Ogata had seen. The younger player had managed to avoid any contact with him, and the 9-dan was aware of the reason.

Ogata winced as he thought about the various interactions he had had with Shindou. His pursuit of the mysterious Sai had been all-consuming, but in his desperation he had ignored all common sense. The memory of grabbing Shindou and slamming him against the wall of the hospital rose uncomfortably. Really, it was a wonder no one had interfered. And it was no surprise that Shindou was now wary of being around him. He supposed he was lucky that Shindou hadn't made any efforts to retaliate. Being underage at the time, he could have made things difficult for Ogata if he had wished to.

Now Ogata watched as the younger player slumped over, looking incredibly worn. He wished there was a way to ease Shindou's mind about him. He had no desire for there to be uncomfortable feelings between them. After all, he genuinely did admire Shindou's skills, and he looked forward to seeing how far Hikaru could rise. For reasons he couldn't explain, it pained him to think of Shindou feeling uncertain around him, always wondering what he might do, as if Shindou wasn't safe when he was near. He had to find a way past this.

Deciding that he couldn't have been presented with a better opportunity, Ogata began to cross the street. Shindou's head was down, and he didn't seem to be paying much attention to his surroundings. Ogata approached softly, trying not to startle Shindou. Perhaps if he began slowly, Shindou would feel less inclined to bolt. He held on to that hope as Shindou raised his head, having sensed that someone was standing nearby. His face betrayed a slight nervousness, but he didn't seem inclined to take off running just yet. Ogata tried to take that as an encouraging sign.

"Ogata-sensei."

"Shindou-kun. May I sit here?" Receiving a faint nod, Ogata seated himself, careful not to crowd Shindou. "I've been watching your game records. You have been doing well. Will you be able to continue this trend, do you think?"

Shindou offered a small shrug. "I will do my best, of course. But one can never really tell."

"I've been going through the preliminary matches. It's finally time for someone to replace Kuwabara as Honinbo. But I haven't seen much of you at the institute..."

"I imagine that our oteai games aren't as involved. I don't usually stay afterward."

_This isn't working_. Ogata thought in frustration. It was clear that Shindou wasn't quite sure what to make of Ogata's efforts, and was simply offering short, meaningless responses to his questions. Ogata wasn't prepared to simply walk away. The situation had been unresolved long enough. Perhaps it was best to just deal with the matter directly. He could only hope that Shindou would listen, rather than walking away entirely.

"Shindou-kun, I didn't mean... I never intended to make you run from me."

"Ogata-sensei..."

"I know I have made you uncomfortable. I know that you avoid me. Most would see it as a younger player respecting the more experienced, but we know better, don't we? Your skill is great - greater than your current rank, by far. And you have never had a fear of speaking your mind, or challenging those older than you. No, you avoid *me*, you run from my approach."

Shindou cast his eyes on the ground, avoiding Ogata's eyes. But Ogata's next words caused his head to whip up in surprise.

"I... am sorry. I did not mean to push you so. I am sorry that things are uncomfortable between us." Ogata looked away as he sighed. "But you reminded me so much of...him. I saw his echo in your games, in the Go that you played." Unnoticed by Ogata, Hikaru's stance was growing more and more stiff. "I was just so eager... so desperate to catch a hint of..."

"...Sai."

If Ogata's ears had not been so sharp, they would have missed softly spoken word - hardly even uttered, a mere breath on the wind. But hear it he did, and more. The tone cut through his thoughts like a blade, resounding with a sense of agony, a sense of desperation. Quickly he returned his gaze to the young pro, frowning at what he saw. Shindou's frame was tense, his head bent forward to conceal his face behind his bangs. His shoulders were shaking, a barely-perceptible tremor. Even as Ogata watched, two crystal droplets fell, sparkling, only to be absorbed by the fabric of Shindou's clothes.

"Shindou-kun?" Carefully the 9-dan reached out to lay a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "Hikaru? Are you all right?" It was enough to bring down Hikaru's carefully maintained facade. Ogata's eyes widened as Hikaru collapsed, his entire body shaking with pent-up sobs. "Sai... Sai..." It seemed to be the only thing he could manage to say.

Nothing had prepared Ogata for this reaction, and he found his heart clenching painfully at the sight of Shindou's misery. Although he was not known as the warmest of men, he couldn't just sit by while someone he knew and...admired (cared about?) went through something like this. Slowly he drew Hikaru to his side, gently easing Hikaru's head onto his shoulder. "Shh...easy now. Things will be all right. You're not alone. I'm here. I'm with you." A steady stream of reassurances flowed from the 9-dan, until finally Hikaru began to calm. Before Ogata could even open his mouth, Hikaru's voice drifted up once more.

"Sai is...gone. He's gone. Sai is gone!"

Gently Ogata began rubbing Hikaru's back, trying to keep him from unraveling again. His mind was whirling, but strangely his thoughts were not centered on his mysterious obsession. Rather, they were focused on the young pro currently falling apart in his arms, and how he would feel later if this breakdown was observed. Ogata knew that Hikaru would hate to have this episode become public. And it was apparent that he badly needed a chance to have someone listen, to share this burden.

"Hikaru, are your matches done for the day? Are you required back?"

Slowly Hikaru shook his head. If the oddity of Ogata's using his first name registered, it didn't show. Softly Ogata eased Hikaru away and stood up, before drawing Hikaru to his feet as well. He tried to think of something reassuring to say, before settling for a simple "Come." Quietly he led the younger man to his car, knowing that his apartment was close, and would at least be private.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Thawing of the Heart  
Rating: T  
Pairing: slight Ogata/Hikaru

Summary: Hikaru has recovered professionally from the loss of Sai's Go - but the personal loss of his friend has yet to be mourned. Sometimes comfort can be gained from the most unlikely places.

Author's notes: So. Another chapter done. I will be ending this particular story here, but I hope to return to this over-all story in time. Again, some may find Ogata to be acting out of character. I hope this chapter lives up to expectations. Many thanks for the kind reviews and encouragement, which were quite welcome indeed. Comments will be eagerly read. Flames will be used to toast marshmallows.

Disclaimer: If I owned any of this, the series would be a lot longer than it is. Since there's still no sign of any new episodes, it's safe to say that I don't own it.

* * *

After pulling into his parking spot, Ogata shut off the engine, before pocketing his keys. Turning to regard his companion, he frowned in concern. Shindou had not said one word during the drive over. In fact, he appeared to have retreated entirely. Ogata exited the car, taking a moment to run a hand through his hair. How was he to fix this? And why did it bother him so much? He couldn't deny that watching Hikaru, (_Shindou, I must remember that. _his mind whispered) watching Shindou break down had caused a great deal of concern. Now the younger man was so withdrawn it was almost frightening. Ogata made his way to the passenger side, fighting down a curious sense of fear.

Hikaru showed practically no reaction when Ogata opened his door. "Shindou-kun?" Swallowing at the lack of response, Ogata reached down to grasp Hikaru's arm. "Come, Shindou-kun, we're here." Slowly Hikaru allowed himself to be led away from the car. Ogata's concern did not abate during the short walk. Hikaru was following his lead, but the young pro was still frighteningly silent. It seemed terribly wrong, when he was usually so quick and energetic.

As soon as he got Hikaru into the apartment, he wasted no time in sitting Hikaru down on the couch. The new and unfamiliar surroundings appeared to spark a bit of interest, and Ogata watched as Hikaru's eyes were drawn to his aquarium. Ogata frowned slightly as a stray thought raced through his mind. _When was the last time I brought someone into my apartment?_ He actually couldn't recall ever allowing anyone to enter. Even the few women he had dated (_why am I thinking of this now_?) had never been here. His attention was forced back to Hikaru when the younger player groaned, burying his face in his hands.

"Shindou-kun?"

"Gomen, Ogata-sensei. I didn't mean to cause you any trouble."

Ogata clenched his fists unconsciously. Hikaru sounded far too broken for his liking. "It is alright, Shindou-kun."

Hesitantly Hikaru lowered his arms and met Ogata's gaze. "Why did you bring me to your apartment?"

"Because I was hoping that you would tell me, Shindou-kun."

"Tell you what?"

"Whatever you wish to. Whatever you feel needs to be said. Whatever is tearing you apart so badly." Ogata felt a tiny flicker of rage at the startled look that flashed over Hikaru's face. Had no one bothered to stop and pay attention to him? How could such deep misery be overlooked so completely? Ogata could see it, swimming in Hikaru's green eyes. Even as he watched, Hikaru hunched over, as if to protect himself.

"Sai...he...he..."

Ogata again reached out, prompted by the fresh tears he could see gathering. "You said earlier that he was gone. He...passed away?" Hikaru nodded hesitantly and Ogata's hand tightened in sympathy. "I'm sorry, Shindou-kun." For a moment he hesitated, before softly continuing, " Tell me about him." When Hikaru began to shake his head, in almost unconscious denial, Ogata gently forced him to meet his eyes. "Shindou-kun, you have been holding this inside. But sometimes, that can cause more harm than any loss. I promise I will not demand anything you are not ready to share." Unaware of the wealth of emotions he was unwittingly displaying, Ogata offered an encouraging smile. "Tell me about him, Hikaru. Share this loss with me."

Swallowing hard, Hikaru braced himself to speak. "Sai was... he was almost like a child. He had so much enthusiasm for everything. And he loved Go. Whenever he talked about it... he would light up, as if his universe was that much brighter for it. We used to play so often... He was..."

"He was your teacher."

"Yes." Slowly a few tears escaped to trickle down Hikaru's face. "He taught me so much... About honor. And respect. He showed me the beauty in the game, helped me to understand it." The tears were beginning to flow faster now. "He was so patient with me, even when I didn't bother to listen..."

"He must have cared a great deal about you."

"He did. Even when I didn't deserve it." For a moment Hikaru's eyes closed in pain, before reopening to stare at nothing. "Even when I was selfish, or rude, he always tried to help. He never stoped teaching me."

Something was nagging at the back of Ogata's mind. It was as if a puzzle piece had suddenly clicked into place. "This is what happened to you. When you disappeared from Go. This is why..."

Hikaru nodded miserably. "When he left... it was all too much! His Go was the only thing I had left of him, but it hurt! It hurt so much, to look at the goban, and know that he would never play again, never sit there and tease me about how I lost to Waya, or encourage me to face my next opponent... I couldn't face it! He was gone, and..." Hikaru's shoulders were heaving now, the words pouring from him in a rush. Without thinking, Ogata moved closer, reaching out to Hikaru. Hikaru stared at Ogata for only a moment, before collapsing against him, clutching his shoulders as if his world would fly apart. "It hurts! It hurts so much!"

Once again Ogata found himself holding on to a sobbing Hikaru, whispering reassurances. It was only now, as he felt Hikaru's tears soak into his shirt, that it finally struck him for the first time how out of character he was behaving. _What am I doing?_ he thought to himself. _This isn't like me at all_. It was true, the blond Go player usually had no patience for emotional displays, either his own or others'. Had this situation occured with anyone else, Ogata would have excused himself, quickly and quietly. He would not have stuck around to watch them cry or listen to them talk, and he certainly wouldn't have brought them back to his home. Yet with Hikaru...

Ogata realized that he had, for the past several minutes and without any conscious thought, been running his hand through Hikaru's hair in an effort to soothe the young pro. With Hikaru there wasn't even the question of whether he should get involved. Seeing the younger player breaking down was actually painful, and Ogata found that he desired nothing more than to provide comfort. Watching Hikaru, seeing his struggles and feeling his heartbreak, caused a deep ache in his own heart. Slowly he leaned back, stretching his full length out on the couch and allowing Hikaru to burrow even closer to his chest. Somehow, this overwhelming feeling didn't seem wrong, despite the fact that it was causing him to act in a way totally contrary to his usual nature. It felt...good, it felt right, even though a tiny voice in the back of his mind tried to point out that nothing about this situation should have seemed 'right'.

Slowly Ogata registered the fact that Hikaru's tears were tapering off, that his fists, clenched in the material of Ogata's shirt, were beginning to loosen - that he was actually falling asleep, still cradled against Ogata's chest by his careful arms. Softly he leaned his head back to rest against the couch's arm, even while he continued to card his fingers through Hikaru's hair. It somehow felt like this tenderness that he had discovered within himself was threatening to break apart, like a tiny seed inside himself that was cracking, opening itself to develop into - what? Again he looked down at Hikaru's face, resting so peacefully against his chest. He could feel it rising up inside him, fed by the gentle weight of Hikaru's head, flowing in waves with each quiet breath Hikaru exhaled - and again he leaned his head back and closed his eyes, some last small part of him trying to deny it, while the rest simply basked in the feeling. Love. There was no other name that could be put to it. There was no telling how it had developed. Was it born of his early facination with Hikaru, back when he was a new player with such promise? Or had it grown later, when Hikaru's successes had turned Ogata's scrutiny into a sense of respect, even admiration? Either way, there was no point in even trying to deny it. This was the reason for his guilt over Hikaru's avoidance of him, why he felt compelled to speak to the younger player, why the sight of Hikaru's breakdown caused such an ache in his own heart.

_I am in love with him_. Perhaps the strangest thing about that thought was it's complete failure to awaken any panic or fear, as it should have. After all, Hikaru had only just come of age, was several years his junior, was unlikely in the extreme to return his feelings... the negative list was endless. Yet somehow Ogata could not find it within himself to care about that right now. _He trusted me enough to confide in me. He trusted me with his pain_. He was able to provide comfort, to be a safe haven. It was enough for now, Ogata thought sleepily to himself. _What may or may not happen is in the future, but for now... this is enough_.

* * *

note: Some may be wondering about the ease with which Hikaru speaks of Sai, whereas before he tried so hard to keep Sai a secret. My general opinion is that, now that Sai is gone, he feels that he can allow people to draw their own conclusions safely. For instance, when Ogata asked if Sai had passed away, he was assuming that Sai had died, perhaps thinking that he had been confined to a hospital or too ill to travel, which would explain why he was never seen. Obviously that's not the case, but it covers the basic facts enough to let Hikaru speak about his loss without being afraid of revealing too much.


End file.
